“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
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If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign