[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
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As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.