No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
You Might Also Like
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.