No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
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Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.