@theshamingofjay: No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn't follow through on at the end of the year, I'd get married again.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@RobElliottComic: So everyone knows, it's frowned upon to yell "Hot potato" when someone hands you a baby and toss it back to them
@mattZillaaaa: *changes voicemail recording to "your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
@krishna_van: Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
@crylenol: *Jesus emerges from tomb* Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?