Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
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#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.