No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
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I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!