Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
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[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what