@theshamingofjay: No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I'll just stay on Twitter.
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@U_Want_Shum_M8: One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
@robdelaney: Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
@flashember: Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully's face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.