Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.