He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
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sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.