The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
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Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car