ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
greetings!
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
so, is there a mister shapen head
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
A classic…
incredible
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here