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Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Lmao
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES