No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test