No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah