THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them