“No way.” -Jose
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I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.