“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*