“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
damn he’s good
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.