No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
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Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”