“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
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it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[eats all your cotton candy]
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?