@CulturedRuffian: 'No you can't have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.' -Moms
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@TheWeirdWorld: One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
@jazmasta: [speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!" "Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"
@mollzbenn: I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."