@CulturedRuffian: 'No you can't have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.' -Moms
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@therealeatwood: SANTA: I don’t need a surveillance guy. I see all! ELF ON SHELF: Seen these? [shows pics of Mommy kissing Santa Claus] S: When can u start
@pattonoswalt: I hate all the "creepy clown" news. I'm having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
@TheMichaelRock: Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.