@CulturedRuffian: 'No you can't have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.' -Moms
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@Scdavis24: Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
@Brianhopecomedy: And the award for Best Actress goes to...*opens envelope*....my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in "Bath Time".
@Pork_Chop_Hair: I'm not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I'm upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
@DjJazzyJeffro: A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!