No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
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Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.