No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
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i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.