NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
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In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.