No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.