No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️