“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
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Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
October already? What’s next? November????
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!