“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it