If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing