Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
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Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
meanwhile over on facebook
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Boating season is upon us.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.