No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this