@shayf_: No YOU sober up, lamp.
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@Lisa_Laughs_: Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? - me introducing my kids to strangers.
@FrenulumBreve: [love making] Her: [leans in] "do that thing you know I like." [i cease to exist] Her: "yeah baby."
@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button ADVISOR: why ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
@Kernsti: When my mom first saw my Facebook she was offended it said I was "interested in men" I think because she thought that was a list of hobbies