No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
You Might Also Like
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.