No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Only Americans understand
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I have so many questions.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.