No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
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In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Mornin. * use accordingly
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.