No, YOUR illiterate.
You Might Also Like
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
The future is now.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.