i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
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time for some seasonal decor
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Plant care tips
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham