@Sickayduh: No, YOU'RE a nary tract infection
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@PaulyPeligroso: You can't die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
@abhorrent_wife: Taught the 5yo to say "totes magotes" to annoy my husband who can't figure out why the kid keeps yelling, "COACH MY GOATS, DAD!" Nailed it.
@UNTRESOR: I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.