@Sickayduh: No, YOU'RE a nary tract infection
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@randomapeig: Cop: seen anything unusual? Me: a dolphin with a hat once Cop: I mean around here Me: nah they live in water
@KyleMcDowell86: "Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby's coming" "We're not bring ur new chainsaw-" "HER NAME'S DEBBY"
@deedragonhunter: Coworker: What's twitter like? Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.