No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
She was REALLY feeling it.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Somebody call the cops.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end