I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
then why did i get this email
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread