I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My brain is a bad influence on me
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in