@DaddyJew: No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with
@WowYoureFunny: I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol.
The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!
@shariv67: Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
@Anyalachae7: Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just shitfaced."
@Modern_Psyche: Writing a good suicide note is hard, especially if you don't know that person's handwriting.
@MehrangizC: I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.