@DaddyJew: No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with
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@AlexRogaski: The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they're in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
@petemandik: [touching face upon receiving compliment] Glad you like it. But, it's not a teardrop tattoo. It's an Oxford comma.
@TheHyyyype: [paying at chipotle] ME: i got a burrito CLERK: that'll be ten dollars ME: with guac CLERK: that'll be ten thousand dollars
@Hobo_Splendido: The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they're so short.