“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat