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@carlyken: "No, YOU'VE had too much to drink!"
~Me, to this bar stool
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I have never seen this before: You have no bones!"
Me: "Really? Could the x-ray be broken?"
Doctor: "Ignore what I just said."
@samalmightysam: My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
@SleepingSuspect: Actual voice mail:
"Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so...happy face at the end."
@RawspberryJamb: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it's yours"
- Inventors of boomerangs
@theDanLawler: Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.