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Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Come back with a warrant
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT