Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
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Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Try and stop me.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.