Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My typo game is string.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”