Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.