Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
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Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
ok this is my dumbest yet