[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
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Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”