Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
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Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Milk Cube
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Meme Monday.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.