I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
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The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Omg 🤣
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’